Here am I...

Here am I, the girl of 22 on whom a lot of controversies happened and still happens, in the top store of a well - built apartment in the heart of town. The sky is blue but the faces round me seem to be as cloudy as it is about to rain but they show no intention to rain or put out their thoughts of a girl and her Oops! Kid [that’s what they call the little part of flesh n blood lying beside me]

“We feel sorry for you young lady, who is alone n have no tracks of her past...” somebody spoke at last as they turned to leave.

“Hmmm” I repeated that sound again for the 8^th time that hour coz I had nothing to say or nothing to claim on the little human having his sleep after sucking my blood.

Here am I, the girl of 22 alone in an apartment [the mercy of an old man to a pregnant lady in a town totally unknown to her] watching the busy roads down the apartment lost in thoughts... i know these thoughts can never change my life. But still... What is the purpose of living? What is that it feels to be God? Why do we run from morn to eve? Why do people lie that true love still exists?

The little piece of blood n flesh again woke up and started growling for my blood... He the new guest of world has taken away everything from me ...my parents, my friends, my world and even the me I knew before...I now act foolish n out of memory for him ,who really looks a rat like creature to me

That was me , Ms. brilliant in the high school , Ms. Intelligent in higher secondary and Ms. excellent in collage, with a lot of dreams about future, who fulfilled all day dreams and erased all night mares of her parents with her charming personality and innocent love. But I failed in life. And I realize there are no improvements or re- evaluation in this test. The one and only test. The Life!

That was me the girl of 21, a graduate who set out with her friends to enjoy the last days of their collage in Goa who happened to meet a guy who seemed to be perfect for her in her aspects .The 3 days and 2 nights I spent there is still clear in my memory when all others seemed to have a covering of fog. First the kiss of love... then the action of love and then disappearance of love and now the symbol of love!!!

Soon an old lady dressed in very old fashion; with a face overflowing with sympathy came with a vessel full of a fluid and asked me to drink for the safety of mine and the new born! Though I didn’t care for the safety I had to drink it fully coz she compelled me to do so in a very loving manner... few minutes later a young servant with a doubtful face came. She had a thousand doubts about my past and about the father of the kid! She seemed to spent time with me and had a very good idea about the new world... in short time I expressed my feelings and asked her to bring me some sort poison to kill the creature and set up a life far away from all towns known to me .though she resisted she did my job when I handed her some notes which I had tucked inside my pillows.

In the next hours I fed the baby with great delight because I’ve found a way for him out of this cruel world. Soon the maid came with her eyes she asked me “is it essential?” with no reply I gave the baby a spoon full of that powder. And I pretended to sleep with my hand round d baby .The maid left as she knew what would happen next. But I dint feel like taking my hands away. For the first time ever I opened my eyes to see how my part of blood and flesh look like. He had a round face with slight red lips pursing every now and then in need of some sort of food. He had a small body and his ribs were clearly seen as if it was kept for sectioning in a bio lab. His legs were so small n silky which resembled the petals of a rose flower. His hands were small as well as soft but it kept close for the whole day and he had no intention to open it. I wanted to see whether he had stolen something from my body .but he himself being a robbed piece from my body dint open his hands. My hand soon moved to his chest... I could feel his heart beats... I can compare it to the crests and troughs of a wave but I couldn’t calculate the amplitude as these waves moved very fastly. Then I closed my eyes listening to his breath. It did not seem to be as good as it was. The creature oh no my baby! Was suffering from suffocation and was about to die. He was taking trouble full breaths...

“Help me please.... “I cried for mercy.......

But I could hear no replies... suddenly a thought rushed into my mind.., I am cruel and merciless than all terrorist seen by the world. I’ve killed a little being for my mistakes... I’ve again made a mistake such a brutal mother must not exist. and I replied to that message of my heart[or brain I still doesn’t know who told me that] by ingesting the left part of powder I had on the table beside me.

Now am really lost... all that I can hear is take that take this...what is happening around? Can a soul hear? I never realized that a soul can hear or talk... where’s my kid? He too was dead. Dead people are always together isn’t it? Hmm he would come in a few seconds, wont he?

Suddenly a curtain raised pushing me out of the dead men’s world to the world of reality... I heard somebody calling me a voice about to cry... and there stood to old man and the lady who showed much mercy to me holding something covered in a white cloth..

“We couldn’t save him”. It was a serious food poison. God the almighty have showed his mercy upon you “a doctor said this with his hands tapping on by body showing his sympathy and expressing his apology...

Here am I, the world most cruel and brutal mother. Who is not even eligible for that label ever in life? Who has killed her child for her own sake?

Here am I. Before you to receive any penalty that would let me forgive my self for not letting my heart see the sun which he saw rising that day.....

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